I am NOT your spirit animal...
Hello. I'm a Red-tailed Hawk. I know, I look all trippy. I see you're enjoying some of Oregon's recreational marijuana, and that's terrific. Enjoy yourself. But let's make one thing abundantly clear.
I am NOT your spirit animal.
I'm a highly skilled athlete and unrepentant carnivore. I live in the country and need to kill to survive. You're an urban dweller who may or may not be going through a vegan phase (depends on who you're dating, maybe?) and jumps at the sight of a field mouse. A rat makes you wet your pants. You use a Visa card to charge beard wax. I rip the heads off rodents. You have Dim sum, hungover with friends, sharing harrowing tales of surviving a Netflix binge watching session.
Look, your spirit animal is more than likely a Rock Pigeon or perhaps a lemming. Maybe they would disagree. I don't presume to speak for another animal. That's something only humans do.
Hey, are you a Sparsely-crowned Nerdling?
ME: Excuse me. Are you a Chestnut-backed Chickadee?
CBC: Who wants to know?
ME: I do.
CBC: And who are you?
ME: I’m Tony.
CBC: I see, so YOU are an individual but I’M just a Chestnut-backed Chickadee? Would I ask you, “Hey, are you a Sparsely-crowned Nerdling?”
ME: That’s not real.
CBC: Oh really? You wouldn’t believe the names we have for you guys
ME: Try me.
CBC: Bare-chested Street Warbler, European Wannabe, Northeastern Tassel Shoe, Beer-bellied Pabst-sucker…
CBC: …Wax-bearded Trend-catcher, Beret-capped Jazzbird, California Stripmall Vulture, Low-rent Apartment Thrasher…
CBC: …Arizona Blue-hair, Golf-carted Viagra-popper, Big-headed Selfie-poster…
ME: Okay. I get it. I’m sorry. My name is Tony. What’s your name?
ME: Just Chester?
CBC: Chesternut-backed Chickadee
I'm a Mariners fan
ME: How about them Jays, huh?
ME: Toronto Blue Jays. They’re in the wild card playoff.
SJ: I’m a Mariners fan.
ME: That’s weird!
SJ: What’s weird? I grew up in Washington
ME: But you must be happy to see the Jays doing so well.
SJ: Exactly why?
ME: Because you’re a Jay.
SJ: So I have to be a Jays fan?
ME: Not necessarily a fan, but I’d think you’d feel a little pride when you see them doing so well.
SJ: Look, I’m a Mariners fan. I couldn’t tell you three guys who are on the Blue Jays.
ME: I get it. I’ll bet if they were called the Toronto “Steller's Jays”, you’d be a big fan!
SJ: What the hell are you talking about?
ME: I understand. You’re bitter.
SJ: I’m not bitter. I’m a Mariners fan
ME: If you’re a Mariners fan, you should be bitter.
SJ: Agreed, but that’s a side point.
ME: You’re telling me that you don’t feel any connection, at all, to the Toronto Blue Jays?
SJ: They’re Canadian!
ME: Oh. I see what you mean.